Dad turned 90 this week. The family got together at Debbie & Rob’s house to celebrate the way we usually do. With dim sum and cake.
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My kids were 6, 8 and 10 when their dad and I separated. A year later we divorced.
As a single working parent, there was an ever present tension between my time spent with my kids and time spent at work. Their dad eventually got to the point of sharing custody every other week. An arrangement that I detested but also needed.
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From the very beginning I knew that my shadow day with my mom would not be exactly relaxing. I woke up the same time I do every school morning, and left the house by 7:30am. Kristin (co-student) met me and my mom and we headed out to Seattle. On the way over we were stuck in a fantastic jam of traffic, so we had a lot of time to question my mom about how she likes being a lawyer, and got an idea of some of the different cases she does.
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There were two of them lying there helplessly. Looking forlorn. Wilted. As I prepared to dump a small bag of trash apparently on top of them. I was in college. Living in a basement level studio apartment in Ballard. There was no way they would fit in my place.
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September 12, 2018
12.44 am Complete another deposition designation.
1:30 Conk out
7:00 Wake up. Today is marked off as a day I will not be working.
7:30 Return to computer on kitchen table and work. Massive trial paperwork deadlines due tomorrow.
9:00 Go for run with Nala because it is the only time that will be possible.
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The courtroom is filled with black and gray suits. Andrew is fiddling with the projector. Camera person sets up. Reporter sits down. I pull out my computer. Get it ready. The projector is a no go - but we've brought our own. Andrew switches them out. I plug in my computer. Mess around with the clicker. Battery works. But the back won't close. Ah. There it goes.
Click back and forth on a few slides. Works. Look up. Turn toward the back of the courtroom and see Cristina and Alysha. They've come to watch.
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I met Shellie 30 years ago when she was pregnant with her eldest daughter. We were both working at a hideously dysfunctional insurance defense firm. She wisely fled before I did.
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My website was old.
Ten years ago (at age 47 if you must know) finished my stint as President of the Washington State Trial Lawyers Association. Our organization had helped the citizens of our state survive two consecutive initiative battles - caps on medical negligence damages and a roll back of the Insurance Fair Conduct Act. We were bashed by the insurance industry in the process via millions in TV ads.
Took on the small personal mission of sharing the inner workings of life as a plaintiff lawyer. Hoping that through transparency, others might see that lawyers were real people too.
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Let me count the ways...
- Answered every question thoughtfully - including if there really was a man in the moon.
- Gave us puzzles and calendars featuring photos of sperm taken with his electron microscope
- Tucked us into bed every night. Then came back to check half an hour later to see if we were really asleep.
After Thanksgiving, my brother sisters and I decide to sort through the few remaining boxes of mom's things. The contents of two storage units and a condo have been reduced to a pile of certificates, photos, and little treasures. We are at Greg and Laurie's craftsman house. Sitting around the living room. Creating our respective piles.
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I haven't answered phone calls. Or returned emails or texts. I've just stayed in the cocoon of our close family. My sisters and brother, our children and in laws have been grieving together and working together in preparation for mom's celebration of life this weekend. It has all been quite hideous and wonderful all at the same time.
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Pick up mom from Shoreline. It is 58 degrees out and she is in a faux fur black maxi coat with brass buttons. She bought it for $25. Half off at the consignment store. Brand new from Sears.
Take her to late lunch at Din Tai Fung University Village. Hour and a half wait. Meet up with my brother Greg and his wife Laurie. We say forget it. Go to Boom Noodle. Eat lunch. Not as good as Din Tai Fung but quicker. Greg and Laurie take Nala for doggie sitting play date. I drive with mom to the movie theater at The Landing in Renton. My sister Jenny pulls up. Out jump her boys Ben and EJ. We eat popcorn and watch Paddington Bear. Quite delightful.
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Mary Fung Koehler is 80 today. So far, these are the lives that she has led:
- Child number 7 of 11 to immigrant parents
- Worker in the family Chinese restaurants in Chicago during the depression
- 3rd female to graduate from the University of Illinois in chemical engineering
- Employed as a chemical engineer
Here is my confession of the day. I am not only highly detail oriented at work. There is some spill over.
My girls have done their best to keep me from going over the edge into full blown OCD. We used to have a rule from the time they could walk. The house stayed clean except they had dominion over their own rooms. So long as I could close their doors they could do what they wanted. That is until I eventually couldn't stand it anymore and picked up and sorted through the various piles of debris.
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Reid is my daugher Alysha's boyfriend. He comes bearing gifts. An ornament for the tree from Denmark where he was studying abroad. And this poem that he wrote last night on his way to see The Elf musical.
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The Velvet Hammer blog won its category last year as the top Trial Law Practice Blog. Am in the running again this year.
Me: Alysha, did you you vote for me
A: Yes
Me: Well, those kids from Philadelphia are on the hunt. They are going to catch me.
A: Just post it on your blog
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My mother brought a 73 year old palm reader to Thanksgiving dinner.
Mom: I want to bring my friend Ed. He is really bright. He is an attorney and a palm reader and I share my energy with him.
Me: Mom, I have already set the tables for 27. We do not have room. I don't have any plates left and had to get extra silverware from the office.
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No matter how hard I tried to sweet talk her out of it, Alysha wanted to be a toad.
What about a witch – no.
Simba the lion king – no.
Ariel the little mermaid– no
A ghost – no. no. no.
But honey, toads are gross.
Don’t care. I want to be a toad.
My parents had a pretty good strategy on how to keep the five of us out of trouble. Both of them worked. We had various babysitters (one of whom ripped us off but that's another story). This was in the days when neighbors kept a lookout for us kids as well. Still, mom and dad left nothing to chance.
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Flashback.
I've been a lawyer for about three years. The other lawyer has been mean to me since day one. Today we are arguing in court. I win the motion. The judge signs the order. There are no copy machines in the courtroom. We need to take the order down to the clerk's office, copy and then file it.
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